A Pep Talk to the Closet Vegan
John, we need to talk. Just listen and let me talk first.
Look I know all about it. You know what I mean. I don't want to put pressure on you. But, it's Thanksgiving on Thursday and I know how hard it is on you. I've seen this coming a long time. It's okay. Do you want to go your whole life like this? Always looking over your shoulder, living two lives, not remembering who you told what to and lying to the people you care about? You'll never make it. It's just not worth it.
Geeze John, don't play me for a fool. I saw you dancing and giggling like a little school girl at the produce market when the Hachiya persimmons came in. I know because I was on my way to get them before I saw you. Stop pretending. I know it was you and Mr. Kim says you come in there all the time. He says you dance around the store.
I honestly thought last Thanksgiving they'd see through your little charade of going on and on about butchering all the animals in the wild and enjoying the taste of blood. You almost blew your cover when you went too far and called the turkey a "punk b*tch" right before you grabbed your piece and didn't eat it. But I saw you that night relishing in the corn and sweet potatoes out by the shed when you said you were going to get some firewood and kill something. In fact, I've seen this coming a long time. I knew something was up when I saw you with that green juice at Whole Foods a few years back and you told me it was just a joke and that you wanted to see what it was like to be a "p*ssy vegan". But I could tell you liked it.
I know you take the long way to the gym to go drive by the farm sanctuary. I saw you smiling in the car at the goats, mooing from the window at the cows, and you and I both know that Alfred, the little piglet, is the cutest thing in the world! Its okay, don't cry. Come here. Look, you can go there as much as you like. Laze around with the cows, chase the chickens, play with the pigs and gobble at the turkeys. You can swim around the ocean pretending to be a fish with all your fish friends. I know everything and it's okay! It is completely natural! You're being way too hard on yourself, people will understand. Look at me! Stand up my son! Listen...
The years of quiet repression are gone. Let it all hang loose. Say goodbye to all that arcane jargon and talk of protein you never really understood. No more heavy grunting, blasting music, throwing weight around until your back breaks and hard pressed high-fiving at the gym (I know it hurts your hand). No need to scream "MEAT" during each rep of your bench press set, bark and do your ridiculous "meat-man" flex dance afterwards. You're on safe ground now. No need to choke down that protein shake in front of the guys. No one will judge you. I know you secretly want to wear my "Got Bananas?" monkey shirt that you always make fun of. It's okay, I want you to have it.
These things are natural. Its just who you are. There's nothing wrong with fruits and vegetables. You're not hurting anyone and if they don't understand, well their loss. Come on, John, I know you too well. Look at me. Oh John...John, John, John. I remember when I came out. Is it tough at times? Yes, but I never regretted it for a moment. I'm free now. Every spring I dance around my apartment naked when the Ataulfo mangos come into season. I eat them wherever. I don't care. I sing to the heirloom tomatoes, feel completely fine crying when I see black mission figs each September and I straight up get aroused at the sight of durian. Look, your whole life is ahead of you. You can't see it yet, but once you tell people, you will soar. You will spread your wings like the birds and angels. Soar, soaring away to the heavens.
Get up my boy! That's it John, run! Run! Run like the wind! Soar away into the heavens! That's it, you tell them! Soar my boy! Soar until there's nothing left! It's Thanksgiving time and the whole world will now know you are VEGAN!!!!